Piotr's Novel ($ One Million)
Part 1
First of all, this is my novel, Komissarzhevsky Piotr Yurievich. It begins when I arrive 12 days since now and ends 8 days later here in this room where I am writing. But don’t think what is happening before this. Because when I come to America it is not like having the past. I get off my plane and look around myself, and the first thing I see this old woman arranging bottles of water to sell to people getting back on the plane. And this is strange to me because I am full of hope for new things, and she is selling the water to give for people to leaving this country. The two things I don’t want she is showing. I don’t want water because I have water already where I am coming from. I want the American spritzers with the limes and the vodka. And I don’t want to leave America, this is where I am staying. So I tell to the cab driver, “What kind of country this is when you sell water for the people to leave?” And he says to me, “Welcome,” and this other thing I cannot remember. And this is problem overall with novel, because I cannot remember everything. But I know I did not want to pay him for getting me into middle of New York because it is too much. And I say, “Too much Chinky.” And he says, “You pay you fucking Polack.” So what can I do? I run, this is first adventure. And already I see the pizza store and I’ve know about this but I can’t go in because he is chasing me and calling me Polack. But he is running away from his cab and I am thinking I should turn around the block and take this cab and drive myself off with it. And racecar through the streets and then jump out when it is flipping up and smashing into the harbor. Because I do not pay toll for going over bridge. I pay what the meter says which is too much already, not this money plus ten dollars there, plus twenty dollars here, and then he is calling me Polack. So I run. But this is so stupid because I forget my bags, and I have to run back and apologize but to say not to call me a Polack because I am Russian.
Forget about this though. Because I am here. I have papers and big dreams and I go and I find the nice place to live but it is in Brooklyn and very small. But there is one big lobby with couch looking onto Brooklyn Park. And so I say to this woman, because there is this woman in my building, Sunji, she is short and dark like Indian and she helps me to move in and we go for drinks, I say to her, “It is not for no reason that I come here. I mean it is like disease or something that I want very much to make these things. I have big dreams.” And Sunji says to me, “What are these big things, Piotr, what do you make?” And I tell her that where I am from we don’t tell the girls because they ruin everything. She says, “That is not the way here, we are not even the girls.” And I say, “What are you?” And Sunji says, “We are the women, but this is not the point.” So fine, I tell her, because she is nice for looking, and this is America, I say, “I make movies and I write big books and I do canvases too. But I am also here for talking Russian at the UN and must learn to change Russian into written English.” And Sunji, this is funny to her, she says, “You do this and that, books and movies and pictures, but you cannot have all of these things. Which one do you want to do?” But I don’t know, this is strange to me, I say, “Sunji I cannot be exhausted.” And she does not believe me, and I say, “Sunji there is no exhausting me, I am like Don Juan.” And then she looks serious and says, “You are no Don Juan, you are hairy everywhere and you do not look like a clean man.” “Well this is not true Sunji,” I tell her, “This is not true, it has been in Russia that I was world’s greatest lover, and I said to the girls, ‘No no you are not with me tonight, I want to be alone, so go away.’” But she says, “By the standards of the American standard you are like the two star lover. You have no money, and you think that women are just these girls for you and you don’t have to tell them everything.” See and because I suspect, I know, at this time that Sunji criticizes me because she already loves me, and because I understand the psychology too well to know that this is what she is doing, I am playing along, and I am changing tactic because she wants me to kiss her. I say, “Sunji, what is this dot here?” and she says it is bimby or something like this and I say, “This makes no sense to me.” And she explains it, but I am not listening I am kissing her mouth all of a sudden. She says, “I am not attracted to you, you are ugly and ne-eev.” And I tell her that she is also ne-eev and she leaves the bar. And so I finish her spritzer.
This is fine. You want to play hard to get there are girls everywhere, I am world’s greatest Russian lover. This is what I am thinking. It was impossible in Russia to get a moment, honestly, the girls are saying “Do this with my Piotr, eat me, put the cock in me, you are fucking me better than my husband, and suck it, Piotr,” I mean, “I want to suck it.” This is what they are saying. I am not sleeping there is so much girls and so much fucking. And so in Russia I get nothing done, this is the problem. I try to write and then, “Bang! Bang!” And the girl is saying, “Open up and fuck me Piotr or I will scream here all night.” And then the men are saying, “I want to kill you” and this. And so I am running and living in house with my brothers who do not like me because I am artist and they are not, and because I am world’s greatest Russian lover, and because I am youngest and they say the youngest is always doing nothing. But they don’t understand that it is because he is artist and so born to suffer.
Forget about this though. I don’t care. Because it is fine my being without girls like Sunji because I get the work done. I have new movie idea for this big movie with a Russian that is running constantly from girls and is being shot at by secretive government for having too much power over the girls. But I need notebooks and pens and typewriter and this is expensive until I find the cheap deal with the typewriter. But it is heavy bringing this home in my arms. And then when I plug it in there is a shock to my hand that is horrible and it is dark and I shout because there are ghosts in the dark. And then on the walls there is banging and shouting, “You fucker, you fucker.” As if I know I am going to destroy the fuse with this typewriter. And this big pervert Ralph is opening my door with the goose smell and the sweat from lifting the weights in his room with no windows. And he is saying, “You fucking Polack,” and that I should not have done what I did not know I would do.
So I tell him I am not a Polack I am Russian, and that he is a pervert and that he fucks little girls from the orphanage. I mean I don’t know I am looking for something. And then he says, “I kill you,” and Sunji comes to stop him from this. And that’s when I suspect he is jealous, because he knows that Sunji is in love with me, and he is in love with her, but she probably said already, “You are not having my pussy you fat pervert.” And now because Sunji has fixed problem and the lights are on Ralph goes away. And I tell her it is not my fault because I have typewriter with problems. And she is very sharp with me, she says that the prongs were wet, and I say, “This is not true.” But I suspect that she is right because I was dragging the cord through puddles carrying it home, and there is water everywhere around the plug. “Did you come to see me?” I say to Sunji, and she says, “No because you are foolish and stupid,” and then I say, “Well it is a good thing because I need to rest from the girls and write the movie. But perhaps you are going inside of it.” And this is not impressing her at all and she bangs closed the door to my room.
But Sunji does not know yet that I am better writer than Pushkin. Because in the last year of my school the teacher is saying to the class, “Read this Pushkin.” And I am saying, “I have read this Pushkin and I am smarter than him.” And she is saying, “Komissarzhevsky you are shit-face fucker, no one writes better than Pushkin.” Then she reads my story and says, “Stay later, Komissarzhevsky.” And I do and she says, “Fuck me Komissarzhevsky you are better than Pushkin.”
But there are no Russian keys on this typewriter and I am not even thinking of this before. And I have to write everything in English letters, and there is no point trying to write Russian with English letters. So this is the thing, it is going to take me longer to write all of these things I am thinking, of the girls and the guns and the secretive government. But in my head it is coming so fast. They are running at me, and saying, “Please fuck me.” So this means I have to stay up most of my whole first night. And I think because Sunji fixed the lights, I will make her into the girl that I will decide to make love to in the movie. This way I can train her to make love to a Russian instead of her primitive love with the Indian who is not even waiting for the girl to feel good. But because I am running from secretive government too there is little time and Sunji must beg me, “No, more, I need more cock and pleasure from you.” And I am saying, “There is no time, there are the bullets and the government is coming in high-speed racecars with heating detector missiles.” And she is begging and I say, “Sunji you are selfish, know your place.” And then she says, “I am sorry Piotr, I only love the pleasure you are giving and I will never doubt you again, you are the greatest lover in the Russian world and I want from you pleasure and cock to my pussy because there is no man who has such a good cock and so much pleasure in his cock.” This dialogue is better than Pushkin but it needs the right performance. And so then I am running, and I make the quick escape and the missile does not hit me because I am underwater and it is freezing but I am thinking of Sunji and I have my suit on for water protection and so I am warm.
And this is the end of Act 1. Because I know structure. This has been taught to me by my Icelandic friend, Jon. I knew him when he was shooting movie in Petersburg, and he told me that a movie has three acts always. But I will make this the end of the first part of novel too.
Part 2
So I am exhausted by the end without even eating, but I have to sleep because I am working at 9 tomorrow at the UN. Because so far only myself, and my teacher, and Sunji know that I am secret genius artist. Russia and America know nothing, only that I am young man that will work for cheap and winner of Russian spelling championship of 1992. So I have to go to bed hungry because I am artist, and I sleep only four hours. But in the morning there is this place for three dollars to get eggs and cheese and bacon on a bread, and a large coffee with warm milk and four sugars. And I am eating this on the train and thinking America is the greatest place on earth. Then I am looking at all of the buildings and the girls in Manhattan, and these are my Russian tears falling to American ground. This is beautiful. But I am late, which is OK for this time they say but it can never happen again.
But all of the work is hard for artist, because it is boring and just talking to Russians in Russia. “Hello yes this thing that you wanted is going to happen for you and so this embassy is going to arrange for this and that.” “Hello no you are not filing that with the Russians you file it here, this is the address.” And so this is very hard for me. Because I don’t know anything about what this is talking about. But there is this one man Mark, with the blonde hair and the too-much tan like he is not getting it natural, and he is telling to me, “Say this,” and, “Tell her to go there,” like United States owns Russia and everyone Russian working for United States. I think he is a pervert because he spits when he talks, and so I change the little details now and then, from “three” to “five” and from “go” to “wait there.” And this last one is figured out and gets me in trouble, and I am terrible at talking out of trouble, so I say that it must have been hallucination. And Mark says, “Hallucination is the seeing not the hearing.” And I say, “This does not make sense to me.” And he says, “You are not telling the truth.” And I say that I am confused because I am artist. And he says, “I don’t care.” And so I say, “It is never happening again.”
There is this one Russian girl Sonya there but she is big and she looks like my cousin and I do not want to be friends with this woman. Of course I am talking to her because she is Russian and telling her about the movie that I am writing, and she says that she does not believe in the story. And so I know this girl is stupid, and I am thinking if Sunji could see this girl saying she does not believe in the story, she would not be saying last night, “It is wrong to keep from telling the girls what it is you are doing.” Because if it were up to Sonya I would not be a man, I would just answer the phone all day in Russian like I have not left Russia. And because Sonya knows that Mark is not happy with me changing the details, she says, “Be careful or you’ll be sent home,” as though we are in little primitive school. I know this type of girl. She is always doing her homework even more than you have to, and she is always with the right answer but no imagination. And if we are doing painting or playing killer ships she is saying, “This is not a chair, it is painted chair and it does not even look like chair,” or, “This is not a ship but a few boxes and you are not even at sea, you are in Russia.” But she is only jealous because I am artist, and already making movies after only one day of America.
Of course I go for walk in my lunch and forget to eat because I am watching the girls and the cars and the things I will soon have money for. And then I am late. So I am running to the water but it is the wrong water because it is the wrong side. And when I get back with the taxi I tell Mark that this is problem with Manhattan and the two waters on two sides. And he says, “Strike two,” as though I know baseball already. And so now I am not going to ask for the money for the taxi even though it is not my fault. And of course this girl Sonya is looking at me and saying, “Don’t wander,” like this is prison. This girl, she wants me but she is not getting any piece of me, I am thinking. I am not with Russians or with Polacks, I am choosing from the girls in America and working on the movie and the book and the canvas.
At 4:30 I take the walk home across the Brooklyn Bridge with the other people that like to walk, telling them that I am Russian and asking how long and how tall is the bridge. Then this one girl she is covered in hair and this beautiful body with the tall legs and I tell her that she needs escort and that I am Russian and I cannot just sleep with every woman. She says, “I am not interested go away,” and I tell her that I would put her in my movie because I am writing the second act and it is important that there be more girls in the second act. But she is not interested and then I say that she is making love to world’s greatest Russian lover in the movie, and he will protect her from the pervert Ralph with the deformed girls from the orphanage. This is my idea I am just thinking of. Because in Russia the girls we visited in the orphanage were deformed. And she says that she is still not interested in me but that I can tell her the story of the movie if I like. And so I do. And when I get to the underwater and the missiles she is laughing, and so I go on because the second act is all coming to me in this moment. I am swimming under the ice, I tell her, and the missiles cannot find me. But the sun is setting now, and it is dark. And so I am getting out. But the government has sent a mechanical spider that is hunting in Manhattan to kill me, with the legs and the hairy jaws saying, “You are nothing, Piotr.” And when I see it I climb up fire ladder on building. But then it is going up the wall. So I do the spy super jump off the roof onto top of Brooklyn Bridge. And I am running along all the wires that is one mile up. But the spider is on the wires too. But then this girl, with the tall legs, she is saying, “Come here, Piotr, oh come to me,” and I slide down to her on the wire. And she carries me to her room in Brooklyn because she runs very fast with her tall legs. And she puts me into her bed and begs for cock and makes love to me.
But this girl who is called Sarah is all of a sudden saying, “This is not true.” And I am telling her that it is true because it is a movie. But she is saying, “I don’t believe this. She doesn’t know anything about this man, and then suddenly she is making love to him.” And I say to her that the girl is feeling sadness because the spider is chasing him. And then she says I am a pervert. I say there is difference between Ralph the pervert and me, because I am an artist and I do what I want, and Ralph is all day in his room with his weight machine thinking about the deformed orphan girls. And Sarah with the tall legs says, “This movie is stupid.” And I say, “This is an opinion that I do not have.” And she says, “You are a stupid chovokistic Polack.” And I tell her that I am not a Polack and that she wants me to be a woman like Sonya and answer the phone all day in Russian. Then she says, “Women are smart and that if you write them like this always just chasing the man, they are going to cut off your cock with the scissors.” And I have never heard this story and do not know what she means. But I am terrified of this image and I want to put it inside of my movie for the falling down. Jon said the falling down is in the middle of the movie and it is where nothing is going well for the person in the movie.
Sarah she is walking away and I tell her loud where I live so she can come later and change her mind and see my typewriter. And she says, “Not for one million years.” But I say it again, and tell her that typewriter is symbol for making love to me because I am world’s greatest Russian lover. And she is showing this middle finger. That’s when I know that even if she comes, she is one of the bad girls in the movie who want men to suffer. And now I know how the act ends. The world’s greatest Russian lover is showing her how to make love, but she is not grateful because she is jealous of Sunji and so she cuts his cock with the scissors. And then he falls down and cries out. And she pees on him and laughs, “Nothing is going well for you, Polack.”
At my building Sunji is downstairs and I tell her that I want her to read the first act and tell me about spelling, because I am only world’s greatest Russian speller. But she says she is going away to some island to help the men in prison learn not be angry. I do not understand this, and she says it is because she is an asocial worker. I say that the prisoners are not as important as artist. She says I am ne-eev and that the whole of the world needs help except for me, like this is a fault that I have. But I am asking her very much to only look at the spelling so I can be ready for a fresh copy. And I tell her that she is in it. And so she says, “OK, I will take it with me and read it when I am away.” Then Sunji is in my room and I can tell that she wants me because she is looking all around at my things, laughing and saying this or that is out of date, or strange, and that this powder will not work to clean teeth, which is not true. And all the while I am erected of course and she sees this and pretends to be disgusted, so I turn for her sake and put it up so it can’t be seen. And then she says, “This is only four pages.” And I tell her about the typewriter and that I am only learning to write fast with English, but that I am Russian spelling champion of 1992. And she says, “I will read it now.”
But she does not like it. She says it is disgusting and that she will not make love to me in a million years. I say that this is no problem because I am too busy with the third and the second act, but that she will not be able to say no when it is all finished. She tells me that I am just stupid in general, and I say that she is jealous of artist, and that I am better than Pushkin. This makes her sharp and she tells me that she does not know Pushkin but that besides the writing which is no good, the spelling and all of the words are badly written, and that it would take her all of her lifetime to fix only 4 pages. And then I say as joke, “Then I need you to marry me and begin to fix them all of your lifetime because I am too busy on the other acts, and then I am moving to the novel and then I am moving to the canvas.” But she is angry now and saying, “Shut your stupid hairy face.” And I say to her that we should go for vodka and raspberry spritzer tonight and leave prisoners to prison. And she says, “You are not caring about anyone but yourself.” And I am thinking that this is not true because I care about her, but instead I say that she is only jealous because I have the cock and she has never been loved. And this is when she shouts and I am already sorry. But she says, “I am going to have you arrested for perversion and for harnessing me.” Then she called me a Polack even though she knows I am not a Polack, and she is running out of room. And I think maybe she was talking to Ralph earlier and Ralph was perverted to her. But this is not good feeling in general for me.
Part 3
All through the next week this thing she says is getting to me, and that’s when I know it is a curse. Because I can do nothing but see Sunji’s face and smoke cigarettes and wonder why it is not that Sarah has showed up to be fucked with me. And I need Sarah now because I don’t know how the Russian escapes the scissors after she has already done the cutting. This is difficult idea but when I have an idea I do not change it because I think it is bad luck for artist. This is what went wrong for Pushkin. So I am all alone and I think there are ghosts in the room, because I can smell Ralph in the walls and there is no writing. And I go to the bar, but it is too much money, so I have to buy the cheap spritzers in the case, and carry them with me or drink them in the lobby.
This little thing is important because I did not know I could not do this, and one day Sonya she yells at me that I cannot drink these things at work even if I am artist. She says “You’ll get strike three.” And I say this is not true because I have been a good worker all this week and Mark likes me. But I know that she is right this time and I drink the rest of the bottle and put it in the can. Sonya is talking to me all the time otherwise and it is making me worse. She is saying she wants to go home, she is missing everyone, that she is all alone like I am supposed to marry her just for being Russian. And she is asking me about the movie and I tell her that there is no more except for Sarah with the tall legs who takes the Russian home but then cuts his cock for being too good a lover and because she is jealous of Sunji. Sonya says that there is no story if all the girls want to do is make love and cut off the cock of the man in the movie. And I get mad and say that she is forgetting about the spider and the bridge and the secretive police, and this is typical of the girl who does not understand, to think as though the movie were nothing but running away from girls and making love to them. And she says, “it is not me, it is you who is stupid.” And I said, “You are only jealous Sonya that you are not in this movie and making love to me, and also you only love me because you miss Russia.” And she begins to cry because I am artist and see into the soul better than Pushkin. And she leaves the table and goes away. And so I finish her fries.
It is the forth night and Sunji is not returned and I need her to take off this curse but I don’t know when she is coming. And I do not like Brooklyn at night. Because when I am walking the blacks are shouting at me and the cats are chasing me and there is the sharp wire everywhere to keep me out. So I want to call my mother. And I buy calling card for 2 dollars and this man tells me it is the same one Osama bin Laden uses as though I am going to pay extra for it for that reason. But my mother is not home, and my father is not happy to hear of me and I don’t like my father. He is drinking with my brother Grzegosc who hates me because I am an artist and wants me to fail, and they are all the time complaining about the window that is broken and not even asking me how it is I am doing. And so I say that I am running out of money for the phone but my father thinks I am asking for money, and he says like the shit-face he is that he will give me no money. I tell him, “I don’t want your money shit-face,” and he says, “You are nothing,” and throws down the phone and Grzegosc picks up and I tell him that he is a shit-face too and that I know he and Afanazy peed on my bed on the last night because I haven’t done that since 1992, and I say that I am going to return to Russia in my big jet full of the girls who are begging to be fucked with me, and I will pee on all their shit-faces. And he is saying, “You are nothing, you are nothing” because that is what my father said and he has no imagination. And all of a sudden this phone is telling me, “You are done with this card, there is no more money.”
I hate my father and Grzegosc and Afanazy but I am crying only because Sunji has cursed me. I want to talk to my mother because she says nice things like, “I love you, you are smart” and there is no hearing that in America, just “Polack,” and, “strike two,” and, “fuck you,” like I am just the bother to everyone who is living.
There are a few days in here that I do not remember well before I talked to Ralph and we made a calibration. I lost my job at the UN because Sonya was mad that I would not marry her and so she told Mark that I was drinking the spritzers at work, and Mark said, “Strike three,” and called me that day to say that I was not working. “This is not true Mark,” I said. And he said, “Is this true?” And I said, “No.” And he said, “Did you drink this bottle of lime spritzer?” And I said, “No.” But then when he asked so many times over I said that perhaps I brought empty bottle to work by mistake from the night before. And Mark said, “That is the sign of a liar,” and that I was no longer working.
And that means that I have to leave in less than two weeks for Russia and I have already paid apartment for three months and bought this typewriter, so there is no money for home. They are saying the flight can be free to Russia but then it is deportation and I am punished for deportation in Russia. I am talking fast over all of this because this is the sad part and I am not sad or deported now, and I don’t like this part at all. I wanted to cut my poor Russian throat with razor. But these razors are too small in America, and pushed 3 and 4 in the plastic cases so you just snap them on the stick. And they are also very expensive. So I thought it would be easy to jump off roof. But it is hard to get up there and it was second choice, so I wanted to wait for Sunji to come back first to see if she could help me.
But this is what I am trying to say before. Because my apartment is smelling and with ghosts, I stayed in the lobby trying to write and smoking cigarettes but all out of spritzers. And one day I see Ralph going out with his muscle clothes on and I asked him even though he does not like me if he knows when Sunji is getting home. He said, “Fuck you Polack.” And I said to him that I am not a Polack but I don’t want to fight because I have lost my job and am being deported and need her to read my movie and help me sell it for one million dollars. And Ralph is out the door but he stops and he asks me what this movie is about. And I told him the story up to Sarah with the cock scissors, and Ralph is laughing and then he says, “Then he has to have it be sewed back on.” And I have never heard of this thing, because you cannot do this in Russia. But I like it. And Ralph says that he could help me with the story because he reads the spy books. And you see this is first person I talk to who can see that the movie is more than just girls and fucking, which I think is what all girls watch for in movies. I said I could put him in the movie, as a strong man with muscles who picks me up and carries me to hospital for the cock sewing, but who also likes to steal deformed girls from the orphanage and make love to them. Ralph said he did not like this idea because he does not like the deformed orphan girls at all, but that I could say that he was a very strong man with plenty of not deformed girls over 20 who are also very much in love with him. I said this was fine, but he cannot be as good a lover as the Russian or take any of his girls, especially Sunji. Ralph also knows more about the secretive governments than I do, and he knows the names of missiles and guns and how to explain why dirty American government cooperates with secret Russian mechanical spider to hunt down the world’s greatest Russian lover.
So we are beginning. Ralph wants to work in this disgusting room and I say to him, “It smells disgusting in here, open the windows,” and Ralph looks around and then looks mad, but then he says, “Oh, I did not know it smelled so much.” And I told him it was because of the sweat and the weights and so we moved into my room. Ralph is very good typing and soon we had written the plot out for the whole of the first and the second act. And because I also could not write dialogue Ralph said that he would do this but that he has to be one of the writers. I said this was OK because I know that in English I can not suddenly just be a great artist. For one thing, no one even knows who Pushkin is, and so they do not understand when I say I am better than him. And I like what Ralph does and I do not mind that he farts every now and then because I know he is not trying to. So it is a calibration, Ralph said.
Forget about this though. I am trying to get to the end but I have to tell the story about making the last act, because this is the most exciting. Ralph is reading out loud the first two and I sound like a true artist now and we are making the perfect movie. But then he says that we need something re-mead-ing for the Russian, and I do not understand this, because in my new ending the man drowns the mechanical spider and shoots all of the secretive police and then Sunji comes back to him to apologize and begging to have some of his cock. Ralph said this is not good enough because the Russian must apologize to her and get married. I said this was no good because he does not need apologizing. But perhaps he could go and tell her that he loves her more than all other women. But Ralph said, “This man needs to learn his lesson for all the girls watching the movie.” I think I understand this, because American girls seem always to think Russian men are shovokistic. And yet all they care about in movies is girls and fucking. So I say what if one spy forgets to shoot, and this one shoots the Russian just as he is saying, “I love you,” to Sunji. And then he takes Sunji away and forces her and shoots her too. Ralph said this is too sad, that his character Ralph would instead cause inversion for this one last spy before he gets to Sunji by pushing him in water and drowning with him. And then the Russian would wake up because the bullet was not deadly and they could get married. “This is genius,” I said to Ralph, because he is thinking just like me, and I'm glad that Ralph is dead so that he will not bother the Russian and Sunji. And he is even beginning to cry as he is writing this, though he is saying, “My all herpes,” but I know he is happy because I told him he was genius. And he is farting more, but I think this is not a good time to tell him he is farting, so I sit by the open window smoking cigarettes. The script is completely ready in one more day and I take it and put it by Sunji’s door with a long note Ralph helped to write that says that I am sorry and changed man.
And just like she is waiting for me to finish I see her arriving this evening from taxi in a pretty white dress. And I am going to call out to her but Ralph tells me not to, but to wait for her to read it. But I know even then that she is in love with me and has been thinking of me the whole time, because of the white dress, and because I know by then that I love secretly Sunji more than anyone else and want to marry her.
She takes the envelope with The World’s Greatest Russian Lover and Super Spy in it from her door but I do not see her all that night. I am sitting doing nothing smoking cigarettes and Ralph is trying to teach me how to lift weights and I can’t do this. I show him how to light farts with match and he is happy but I am sad because I have already done this many times and want to see Sunji. He says to me that it is no use tonight and that I should go to work early tomorrow and tell Sonya I am sorry and changed man and let Sunji read the script.
So I do not sleep at all that night because I am artist. And I find Sonya at lunch on Monday because she is always by the french fries store. I tell her that I am sorry, and she says, “You are just saying this.” And I say, “No, it was not right for me to make fun of you for missing Russia. But I am an artist and will never miss Russia, and even though I am being deported I will hide and stay in America forever making movies and books and canvas.” She says, “I do not really miss Russia. But I don’t like to be so alone in America.” Then I ask her what is this kind of fry and she says pooh team. And I eat one and smile at her. Then she asks me how the movie is and I tell her about Ralph with the big muscles who is helping me to calibrate, and that it is going to be sold now for one million dollars. And then I say that she can come over tonight and read it and have dinner with Ralph because he has the matches and is buying the plug-ins now and his apartment is not smelling. Sonya is happy and she goes back and tells Mark that I am a good worker and that I didn’t know any better about the spritzer and that I should be hired back. Mark said it was OK because he needed me back, because I think he knows America is lost without Russia. Of course I am not hearing about any of this until much later that day.
But I want to tell what is the reason of my life which is that Sunji came to my room that night and said that it was not good what I had written but that she was not meaning all what she had said before she left for the prison. I told her that I was a changed man and the script was changed too and it was written for her and that it would make one million dollars. And she says, “Not in one million years.” And I said that I know she was jealous for me giving so much time to the script and none to her. She thought this was funny and we went out for spritzers to celebrate with Ralph and Sonya and they were talking very much to each other. And Sunji says that the dialogue is terrible and still the women are only made out of card boards but that she would fix it for only 25% of the one million, which she is doing right now. Then after we went to Sunji’s room and had more spritzers and everyone is laughing at my novel idea telling me I am too prophylactic.
And then Sonya went home and smiled at Ralph and Ralph went home and Sunji said I was a stupid Polack and sat beside me and then she kissed me. Oh and this is sweetest kiss and going all the way down to my Russian tummy. And she said I cannot write this but this is my favorite part, because then we got naked and fucked in every way, and it was my dream come true, because I love her and she is even more pretty without anything, and she touched me all over and begged for my cock, but she was also making fun of the girl in the movie. But she was happy and making sounds and touching me and I could not believe this is how people are doing it. And she stopped me, and said, “Beg, Polack,” and then later, “Slow down, Piotr, you are going to fast.” And this is funny to her, but I am so excited by this and shaking from every place and kissing her that I am coming already. And I cannot describe this thing. And then I said that I was the world’s greatest Russian lover and she said, “I know.” And then I said, “Did you come Sunji?” and she said, “No.” And I told her the secret, that I have never made love before, and she said, “I know.” And I told her that I could have made love with the orphan girl in Russia and she said, “Don’t tell me that, pervert.” And I kissed her and said, “I love you Sunji,” and then we are fucking again. And then I told her that we should move in with one another and get married but she is still saying this is too early. But there is no one more that I want. I will give her all of my money, and she will marry the greatest Russian lover in all the world who has been with only one girl and is loving only one girl, and I will make her Sunji Indian princess to Russian prince Piotr and better writer than Pushkin. She says, “I am too short for you you big hairy Russian Polack,” which does not make sense, and I say, “That is not true,” because I am not hairy compared to my brothers.
Sonya did not like the script but Ralph is going to explain to her why it is genius, and he is already working on one about Sonya which is exciting her very much. I am glad because I don’t want Ralph anywhere near my Sunji though I like him very much. And so it is only 12 days for me in America and I am in love and have a movie and almost a novel done in faster English, and Ralph showed me there is a word-professor in typewriter and it can show how to spell. Soon I will be world’s greatest English spelling champion. And I am going to marry Sunji even though she says, “You don’t know me,” and even though the blind landlady says that this is too short a time to fall in love. I tell the landlady she does not know what love is, because love is throwing away everything for nothing and the artist is doing this every day. Then she says, “You dumb Polack,” but I do not mind this anymore, because she is only jealous, and it is true that my mother is Polack. And I know it is not nice to answer, “You are stupid because you are blind,” because I am a changed man. I hope my brothers read this because they do not believe that I am world’s greatest Russian lover and that I will have one million for my movie, and one million more on this book that I am writing now that Sunji is going to fix for me.
But it is not for money so forget about that. Because in America it is not like having the past. I see only today and forward with Sunji, Sonya, and Ralph, and all of the hundreds of babies we will have, and all of the hundreds of movies and books and canvases we will write. But me the most because I am pure artist. Because I came with nothing. And everyone they said, “You are nothing, Komissarzhevsky.” Except my teacher who said, “Fuck me, you are better than Pushkin.” Though perhaps this is shovokistic.
I give this book to Sunji my Indian princess with the sweetest pussy in all of Brooklyn who is making love to the greatest Russian cock in all of the world and Brooklyn too. But I also give it to my mother who I love very much and I want to thank Mark because I am not deported and this is much easier to be great artist. I would also like all my brothers, Grzegosc, Victor, Yegor, Afanasy, and my father, Komissarzhevsky Yury Illyich, to know they are shit-face fuckers and I will never forgive them even though I know I should be forgiving everyone. I love you Sunji. This is the end of my novel, Komissarzhevsky Piotr Yurievich.
Otium
